All my life, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I wanted to be with someone. You can make a lot of different arguments as to why I felt the way I did. You could say I watched too many Disney movies. You could say my poor relationship with my father left me feeling rejected by men, therefore I felt the need to find love in a boy. You could say that I was disappointed every time Homecoming/Prom season came around and I was left going stag. My desire to be with someone was probably a combination of all these things and I try to confront these everyday and try to heal my rejected 16 year old loner girl scars as a 20 year old now.
I think probably one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to be someone was because I have fallen for a few boys (not men) in my life. Even though the number I think is fairly small, they have caused me quite a bit of turmoil because when I fall for a boy, I fall hard. There is no in between for me. Either I would never date you or let’s be honest, I’m planning our wedding. So you can imagine my heart break nearly every time when the boy I like decides to date a friend. You know, like a best friend or girl in your bible study or that really sweet girl in your choir class who is extremely talented. You know, that sucks. Well recently I had to experience watching a boy I had the hugest crush on for a year and a half now start dating another girl. I wish I could have disapproved of the relationship, but they were great together. And how lucky I was to have this all happen on the same week of Valentines Day. Needless to say, I was lonely. I was tired of feeling insecure and tired of beating myself up because the only guys I ever liked, I had convinced myself I wasn’t good enough for.
So I decided to take some action. If I was so convinced who I was wasn’t good enough for who I wanted to be with I needed to change me. And not in the way of appearance and façade. But how did I spend my time? Was I doing the things I really wanted to do? Was I doing what would make me a better person? Make me the person I wanted to be? So with this realization I made a list of all the things I wanted to do, what would the ‘better’ me and called it my “Things I Need to do Before I Allow Myself to Get in a Relationship” And I prayed to God that He would help me stick to this and achieve this. And in the mean time, He wouldn’t give me the man of my dreams and to have him only vanish before the list is done. (The best part about this is that, if God did plan on placing a man in my life that and decides to save him for another time, then God is answering my prayers!! If He didn’t then, it will appear that He is answering my prayers and all the glory will go to Him when actually nothing has changed at all! Win win if you ask me! I think the second option is the more likely part though.)
This list has been around for a few weeks now but I struggling with how to follow through on this in an active way. Then this though struck me: what if I were to blog about it? Because to be honest, even though I have had this blog for a few years I never really did anything worth while with it. Now, the plan is every Sunday I will tell all my readers (really need to keep track of how many people actually look at this because I’m pretty sure that I have like maybe two people reading it.)
So here’s the “Things I Need to do Before I Allow Myself to Get in a Relationship”
1.) Be in a play- I will be declaring a Theatre Major with an Acting Concentration and while that is a hard path in life to follow, I sort of go after half-heartedly. This is not the person I want to be. I want to be the person who auditions for every play. I want to be someone who chases after their dreams and who won’t let a single opportunity pass her by!!!! I will be auditioning for Chorus Line at the end of the month of April which is super exciting and I have started working on my audition song and I will start attending tap classes. I will also this week be working on my monologue. To be honest, this one is probably my top priority.
2.) Read the Bible up to Joshua- So I have been a Christian for two years in 8 days. And I really know very little about the Old Testament, not something I’m ashamed of, but not proud of it either. So my goal is to understand Jesus better by looking at the context of the time and what the original disciples would have known from the world around them. This is part of a greater desire to known Christ better but this is the one measureable way that I could think of achieving this.
3.) Read Lord of the Rings- My father introduced me to LOTR when I was a young kid and I have always loved it. I always said I wanted to read the series (the trilogy, specifically) and I’m tired of saying I’m going to do things and never do them. I will probably be done with it by the next post since I’m 50 pages from the end of Two Towers. But I remember when I started reading it over the summer and thinking it would be such a huge thing to accomplish this, just as Frodo felt when he was first given the ring, knowing what he had to do with it. Seeing yourself accomplish things like that makes of more motivated, I think.
4.) Start learning to play piano- If you know me, then you know the type of acting I want to do is for musical theatre, so a better understanding of music is crucial. While this may suck because I am already paying for voice lessons, I know how important this is and I know financially I will be fine. I don’t want to live out of fear of losing money. Fear is a pointless emotions when it keeps you from moving forward. Fear is no longer in my vocabulary.
5.) Finish reading Jane Austen Anthology- Two Christmas’s ago, my grandmother got me a beautiful Anthology of Jane Austen. I read Sense and Sensibility and really loved it so I asked for Jane Austen books. A part of me feels that reading Pride and Prejudice is an important thing for a young woman to do. I want to be the kind of woman who reads those classics that have made a huge impact on literature. And I think it’s also important to use the gifts our grandmothers get us.
6.) Get in better shape – I have become very involved with the Dance department here at college and I have been seriously thinking (I should be praying too, but I haven’t found the time to remember to do so.) about being a double major of Dance and Acting. I feel that for musical theatre this would be great! Also, I went to middle school and high school in an extremely affluent society and in case you haven’t interacted a lot with white rich people, white rich people put their kids in ballet at five years old. So when I went to middle/high school I would always feel so much desire and jealousy to be as a good as dancers as those girls but feeling like I would start too late to get any where. However, I have learned so much about dancers who started late in life and how successful they have become. So this new sidebar to the original dream is really becoming real in my head. But I need to be in better shape. This desire to be fit is really about something more than looking good. I have prepared a lot. I have made my pinterest board. I have been trying to stock my apartment with more vegetables. I have even gotten some… well… diet pills. Dr. Oz says they are completely safe. I am taking green coffee extract and garcinia cambogia pills together and I think the are working. Also, using a lot of cocunut oil in my diet. I am going to go to my doctor or someone on campus for fitness help to ask what is the best way to measure improvements in health and fitness.
7.) Start playing the guitar- I got a guitar when I was 16, thinking I would be the next Joan Jett. Didn’t really stick to it like I would so now I have a guitar I don’t really use. Changing this now.
Dude…. this is such a long post. I’ll pick up the speed.
8.) Regular community service- It’s really important to me at this point in my life to give back more. I felt like in high school I was much more involved in community service and I really miss that.
9.) Belly Button Piercing – I secretly/not so secretly want to Britney Spears still to this day and Britney without the piercing is like a ice sundae without cherry, it’s not as sexy.
10.) Tattoo- This is not officially on the list. It will be added maybe, but it’s a very strong maybe. I have wanted one for while and I feel that I have the perfect concept. It’s my own twist on a Bible verse (you know, no big deal, just rewriting the Bible).When learning about Joseph in Genesis for the first time in Winter Camp, one of the verses that sucks out to me was when Joseph’s said “Here comes the dreamer.” I felt like the way his brothers looked at him was how so many people look at me. So I thought that would be a great idea for a tattoo. I though hmm…. where would you put that? Then I thought the back of the neck. But the back of the neck saying “here comes”? Then I thought what if I changed it to “There goes the dreamer.” That way when people see me walk away, they see the tattoo saying that I am moving forward constantly and see me as my dreams propel me to my future.It’s God and my dreams in one! Don’t get much better <3
This list I think I will have finalized next week and I will talk about my progress in this list in my next blog post on Sunday. And I hope you guys walk with me in this mission to become the people we want to be by being proactive and not waiting for life to happen, but making life happen.
If you guys have any thoughts about thing I could do for my list or any insight, then please right down in comments
Love,
Breanna
