Growing up

There are two different types of growing up. The first kind makes you a little stronger each second. It is a steady growth and while grueling at points, it doesn’t hurt. Tires you out maybe but it doesn’t hurt. Then, there is the second kind of growing up when you are hit with immeasurable pain. It weights you down and you feel weak as if one more feather on top of the world you carry on your back will make your whole body snap in two. Like a summer breeze will make you fall over and shatter. This growing up hurts but the worst part is that doesn’t make you stronger every second that passes. Just as sudden as the wave of pain hits you, the wave of strength hits you. This type of growing up won’t happen to everyone. You may feel jealous of people who never understand this pain. But this pain changes you. It changes you into the person you will be one day. The people who understand this pain, they will be the ones who change the world. But as to whether we are given this pain so we can change the world one day or we change the world one day to make you for this immeasurable pain, we will never know. Either way I will never shy away from growing up. Romans 5 <3

“christian”

You make me sick to my stomach

You make me hurt like no one else could

I wanted you to be

Everything he denied me

But you denied me too

After I put all my hope in you

You have pushed me away

I wonder if you wished

I would have stayed

You always did say I can’t miss you till you’re gone

I wished I could have understood then

You never say that unless you never will

Oh how that thought kills

you try to be a little bit like him

But forgiveness is your weakness

As is love, as is your pride

I know you’re trying but you hurt me everytime

Empire State of Mind

“The city seen from the Queensboro Bridge is always the city seen for the first time, in its first wild promise of all the mystery and beauty in the world.” Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald

“New York was no mere city. It was instead an infinitely romantic notion, the mysterious nexus of all love and money and power, the shining and the perishable dream itself. To think of 'living' there was to reduce the miraculous to the mundane; one does not 'live' at Xanadu.”- Joan Didion

“From the minute I arrived, I knew the only place my dreams would come true was New York. So I continued to think of it while sitting in my boring math class, knowing the only way I could escape from high school, is if I could escape to New York” – Breanna Northrup

“One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.”
― Tom Wolfe

Music

It’s within these breaks of writing my English final and studying for my math test that I realize the one of my two biggest truths. It is that music matters more than anything else in this world. I think of my English paper and think that while all this stuff is very interesting and challenging my intellect at the end of the day it will never matter. But music can set your soul on fire and put peace in your heart by the realization that we are not alone in this world. It helps me realize that we are not connected by science or math or literature but by music. Literature can get mixed up by translation. Math means nothing standing alone and science, while very important, can be equally destructive as helpful plus it means very little to people beyond scientist. But music means something to everyone. I means something to you when you’re driving in your car with you friends or the lover of your dreams. I means something to you before you take a test as you’re trying to calm down or psych yourself. It means something to you when you don’t think you can live another day of your life. It does what math could never do; mean something standing alone. It does what science could never do; it means something to everyone in way that could never hurt us. It does what literature could never do; music doesn’t need to be translated into different languages. Sometimes I feel like there is the world around me. There is my body. And then… there is something deeper than that… my soul as corny as that sounds. And when I sing or listen to music or play a few simple chords on the guitar it touches my soul and I feel like music is dragging my soul out and presenting it to the world. I begin to wonder if everyone else feels that way. I pray everyday they can understand this but I know some people don’t. I feel in moments like these that music is what was sent of this earth to do and no matter the obstacle I can’t give up. This is what Beethoven though. Even when completely death, he knew that was what he was supposed to do. Fate was knocking on his door and he answered it. He died happy saying what he felt like he was meant to say to the world, trying to get them to understand the message that math, literature or science could never figure out.

“Without music, life would be a mistake”- Friedrich Nietzsche

The Tides

Some things I can’t hide

The pain from the tide

Turning on me

The tide went out, they came right back in

Trapping me on an island I’d never win

It was cold and it was lonely

I was thinking if only

If I could be desperate enough one day

To leave it all and just fly away

Cause Dad was never there

And Mom didn’t care

All I wanted to hear was three simple words

But no matter how long I waited to hear

The words never came, the fog never cleared

So winter came and froze me inside

Couldn’t see the light coming from your eyes

I was so blind

But blood turned to ice and it had to suffice

For each step I took, I could have fallen through

If it wasn’t for you

And in this in between, called home

I know I am not alone

It’s never what the say it is

It’s not comforting, not loving

You get so sick of pretending

That it doesn’t hurt you every time

They leave you behind

But then we meet

And you never left

What begin with your death

Started my new life

Then you went on everyday saving me

From everything I was never meant to be

But I know things are gonna happen

and my destiny will change even when trapped in

This thing called home

I wonder what will change their minds

I wonder if they’ll change like the tide

For their sake, I pray to you they never do

Celebrities Read Mean Tweets

so mean yet so funny. I love them all but seriously this shit is hilarious.

Accept or Ask for More?

I'm sitting here in my college computer lab. There are two other people in this room. I am constantly watching my back, hoping no one sees my computer screen with five taps of different colleges. I'm cheating on my college. With one's with big football teams and... greek systems, something that is despised here. Well its probable close to porn when your wife is downstairs. (Please no one freak out, I'm not saying only guys on unfaithful. It's just that most women can't get off from pictures.) I know if that's what I really want, I have come to the wrong place. I just wish I had known what I wanted. I wish I had recognized in high school that I didn't hate the football team and cheerleaders, I was just upset I couldn't be their friend. I wish I had enough insight to realize this. I wish I had realized that I could have been. With a few beauty tricks and a little more confidence, I could have been just like them. But I'm more confident now and I know I can be friends with them. Granted, I'm still picking up a few beauty tricks but that's what the internet's for. So now that I realize this, I'm sitting here in a college where I am still alone. I'm actually at my Summer Orientation so I could be freaking out a little too much considering the people here only represent a portion of the class but I think I can still be right. You see, here the Improv team is more valued than any sports team. Their Improv is other school's football but you want to know the sad part, the Improv team sucked! We saw them last night and they weren't funny! They were like the football team in high school. They were 'popular' (even though they didn't look like any popular people I have ever seen) and they still thought they were so cool. I suppose this is what made me think I hated the football team in high school, it was that they were conceded. I hate people who are conceded. Am I bound to hate the popular people because they are conceded? Am I doomed to never be accepted by the popular because I hate how conceited there not because of what the actually do? Am I always going to be the outcast? And when will I stop caring about that? Can I ever accepted this? I don't know honestly. If I can't, well then I guess I'll do the smart thing and go looking for what I really want. Whatever that may be.

All the things I wish I knew about college shopping

So I will be graduating from high school pretty soon and then will be off to college. Now there are some keys things I wish I looked into and I’m here to share this info with you.

1.) Find out how much FAFSA will give you. Now, if you’re like me, you’re parents seem to make a lot of money but you are paying for college yourself. So at first, you think oh shit I’m screwed but not necessarily. My expected family contribution (EFC) was way less than what I expected. Now there are websites out there and they can help you estimate your EFC. This is important to do because when you have a better idea of how much financial aid you can get, it opens up a lot of doors to different colleges you never thought you could afford. On the flip side, if you think your EFC will be low and  you get your hopes up and get set on a school then you realize you can’t afford it you get your heart broken. If I were doing this process again I would do it either sophomore or junior year. I say this because its not a good idea to start thinking where you want to go fall of senior year. Trust me.

2.) Take the SAT as many times as you want! One of my biggest regrets is not taking it one more time to see if I could get  a higher score to get in the Honors Program at the school I’m looking at. If you feel like you won’t improve, then I would say don’t take it but if you genuinely think you can do better, take it again. Don’t be afraid that you’ll look silly to the colleges if you take it more than 2 times, what seems to be average. Also, answer those silly questions they send you everyday on your email. I think answering those questions so diligently is what made my score jump from the first of 1580 to 1780. Also, another sign for you to take the SAT again is when there is such a huge jump in the scores between the first time and the second time. It’s not always a clear indicator you can get a better score but when it kind of us hanging around the same the general area of score, that means that you probably got as high as you could. Unless, you think you can do better which we already went over.

3.) Keep a calendar of everything you’ll need to know. You have to stay on top of a lot of things. And when you miss out on that scholarship or anything of the sort you’ll be kicking yourself. I just got Google Calendar. Its really easy. And start this beginning of junior year I would say since there are quite a bit of scholarships out there for juniors. Hint: every where Nordstrom has a scholarship for $10,000 for junior. Look it up.

4.) This goes out to all my music majors, if are not taking private lessons, particularly singing start now! The best results come from people who have been preparing for college about the beginning of their junior year in high school.

5.) Push your self in school! My parents where extremely afraid of me failing classes so I never too AP classes or honor classes till my senior year. Don’t do this. Not because it will make a difference in scholarships and where you get excepted, but because you will always wonder if you could have gotten more and that wondering is the worst, especially when it comes to scholarships and money is involved.

 

Here are some good websites  by the way :

www.fastweb.com- great site for scholarships and it has a lot of things involved with the DoSomething organization which encourages teens to participate in community service which helps other people too!

www.cappex.com- this site is great for a lot of things. Not only does it give you scholarships, but it gives you the chances of getting into a school based on grades, SAT/ACT, and community service.

www.youniversitytv.com- haha get it!!! well anyways, this site is really fun because you can tour colleges by watching countless videos from across the US and they have at least one school from each state. And besides just watching it is fun!

 

So I’ll add another post like this sometime to help out people with the whole college thing! And if you have any question ask and I could give you some advice and info. FAFSA in particular, I know very well.

Peace out!

Some things you can’t doubt….

  This is a conversation I had with one of my best friends when discussing college and the recent disappointment of not getting into the music program there. If you are a music lover and this is what you want to do for your life, I suggest you read it.

 

Today

Did I tell you i didn't get into to Western's music program?

Report · 19:56

What?!

When did you find out?

I’m so sorry Bre

  (this is me! haha in new york actually, see earlier blog on NYC if confused )

Report · 19:57

I think Friday.

so I didn't get into Fullerton or Western.

Report · 19:57

But everything happens for a reason. Whatever college you end up going to, there is a purpose. Your prince charming will be at the college that you choose :)

Report · 19:58

I love you! Thank you for saying that!

I was thinking that myself. Now like I have said I have been becoming more religious and I was thinking about how God has a plan for me.

but I think I’m going to go to western

I’m think I’m going to work summer on auditions and then go back and audition again.

Report · 19:59

Don't worry Bre. my friend who wished he got into Berkeley came to Davis and then found his girlfriend and his passion for agriculture that he definitely could not have discovered in Berkeley because Berkeley doesn't have an agriculture program!

nice! :) everything happens for a reason :) what other colleges are you thinking of?

Report · 20:02

I think I will just go to western. It was weird when i realized that maybe I wasn't ready for western the minute i wanted to go there.

Wait so you got into western but not the music program?

Report · 20:04

Yes, I got into to western with a 4,000 dollar scholarship a year

Just not the music school .

Report · 20:13

well Bre its amazing! Son't limit yourself to music! college is the time to take classes you want to take and see if its interesting! I just found out o like chemistry hahaha :) might major in Chem! and I might double major with drama because I love my drama class!

you can audition but keep your options open!

you're going to love college

a new start

new everything

no one to limit you

you can do what you want to do

because you feel its best

and not because someone else says you should

everything is in your power

:)

Report · 20:14

If I want to go with the idea that maybe God has a plan for me then maybe he wants me to look at other subjects. But honestly I don't see that happening.

see and this is why. first of all, I have loved music all my life and I always said i wanted to be a singer. all the time. Every time I didn't get a solo in my elementary school choir, I cried.

Which was quiet often. Second of all, music has helped me through so much.I connect with it and like it was said in August Rush ( i don't know if you saw that movie) 'I believe in music the way some people in magic.’

Music has kept me sane.

thirdly, it has always gave me self confidence. I know I’m good. I’m not great but that's okay but i can't work at it. at the end of the day though it had always gave me self esteem

lastly, its who i am. L never feel more like myself then when I am on stage singing and performing. I feel like me. I feel like every time I sing, its the real me screaming out, "here I am"

the real me no one knows.

Report · 20:23

well maybe when you work in the summer for your audition, you will realize how much you love music! it does seem like you love music and that its your passion! imagine how much more you'll appreciate getting into the program the second time around! maybe you’re meant to learn how much you truly love music this summer! everything happens for a reason! i believe in you bre. a lot of people do :)

Report · 20:23

thank you :)

i think that might be so. that this is testing me to see how much i really want it.

its interesting because with in the first few seconds of getting the letter saying no to accepting me in the program I never once thought I wasn't capable.

I knew maybe I wasn't ready for the program but I never thought I couldn't do it.

and also I immediately go on the computer and emailed the school and asked how can I get in later on. what can I do.

I immediately looked up a new voice teacher. Trying to find a way to get better. It set a fire under my butt unlike anything else.

Report · 20:27

:) bre that is amazing. Its amazing that you know what you want to accomplish this summer. that you know how much you love music and want to pursue it :) maybe you wouldn't have come to these realizations if this hadn't happened! you know what you want :)

Report · 20:29

I want it more anything. Asking me to not sing is like asking me to not breath. insane and will only lead me to my death. melodramatic but its kinda the truth. not the part that it would lead me to my death.

but you don't have to think about breathing you just do that is what singing is to me.

Report · 20:30

:) that's so meaningful! you should re read that if you ever feel unmotivated :)

Report · 20:31

i think i might. :)

i know this sounds really corny but who cares.

Report · 20:31

no its amazing!

The Next Minute

In the following minutes after the tears

I almost believe you

I almost understand

Why you treat me the way you do

I can see

how you think so little of me

It’s as clear as glass

Then shattered on the floor

Once worth so much

Now nothing more

But it floats away like a dream

To ruin your almost perfect scheme

Do you want me gone?

Cause the next minute

 You’ll know you did me wrong

The next minute I leave

You’ll be missing me

But I’ll be doing fine

My heart will be mine

You can’t make me believe

In your little crazy scheme

Please help me understand

Why you think I can’t stand

On my own two feet

When you set me in the backseat

I will show you

I’m worth so much more

Then your dream of a perfect daughter smashed on the floor

This will settle the score

You wanted me gone

Now the next minute

 You’ll know you did me wrong

The next minute I leave

You’ll be missing me

But I’ll be doing fine

My heart will be mine

You can’t make me believe

In your little crazy scheme

It’s so crazy

How I was your little baby

Baby to the burden

I couldn’t take the hurtin’

So I stopped listenin’

To the nasty things you say

I am beautiful,

I am passionate

I have so much worth giving

But you don’t even know me

How could you see

You wanted me gone

Now the next minute

 You’ll know you did me wrong

The next minute I leave

You’ll be missing me

But I’ll be doing fine

My heart will be mine

You can’t make me believe

In your little crazy scheme

 

How you handle it when people put you down?

Leave a comment!

If I was arrested….

Obsessed with this! One day when I get arrested I will sing a song and it might be this song right here!

If you were arrested, what song would you sing?

My Hope

So recently I watched the very sad movie about a true story called  “The Laramie Project.” Ever since then, this has been on my mind and I feel the need to say it somewhere. Here it is: I love gay people. I think they are amazing people who have been through so much. So much hatred has been thrown at them and it seems they stay so positive. I wish people could realize that gay people are no different than any one else except the people the love. If you’re gay and you have happen to run past this, I just want you to know that I love you. And fuck it if someone doesn’t like you because of you love. I think that says something about them as people, not you. I just hope someone finds this and they feel better.

P.S. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t waste your time trying to convince me otherwise. It won’t happen.

P.S.S. I hate the word faggot. Hate it.

I love NYC!!!!!

I went to the Big Apple, Gotham, the City That Never Sleeps, etc. etc.( you get the idea) in spring of last year but I just haven’t gotten to loading up the pictures so here they are

 (Charlie Sheen was there!!)

(I will acknowledge it as a tourist trap but… it’s the best tourist trap)

(expecting it to bigger, not going to lie)

(Expecting to be proposed to there in about 10 years… )

(John Lennon’s apartment)

(Juilliard…’nough said)

( the famous piano!!! FAO Swartz)

The one and only PLAZA! Eloise lives there!

At the met museum, made me smile

 

Tiffanys… spoiled girl in a candy store

 

future workplace! that is the Met Opera, if you didn’t know.